Airbus Patents From The Cutting Room Floor

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Airbus recently filed patents for several innovative new seating arrangements within the passenger cabins of their mass-transit air craft, but potential patrons are already wincing in disapproval.

The latest patent confounding social media users is referred to as the ‘Mezzanine’ model, depicting humans stacked atop one another ala Tetris. Among other things, the Mezzanine stands accused of being a cynical tactic on behalf of Airbus, a ham-handed ploy to cram more people into their flying metal bullets, thereby raising profits significantly.

Airbus is no stranger to unusual designs. In 2014, the budget travel giant registered a patent for a flying saucer, with circular seating arrangements that expanded outward from the center of the plane.

But for every loony design that becomes an Airbus intellectual property, there’s hundreds of stark raving insane concepts that never make it past the drawing board. Every year, hundreds of potential new patents aren’t up to snuff, and they’re scrapped until the next round of brain storming and market research begins.

National Report has it on good authority that the following images are official unused Airbus designs left on the cutting room floor. These schematics were relinquished to me by a shrewd, entrepreneurial-minded Airbus janitor who rescued them from their fateful meeting with a paper shredder.


The Sky Chariot

The Sky Chariot can hold up to 500 passengers, who are then laid side to side on comfortable hammocks for the entire length of the massive plane. It’s believed that flying across country on The Sky Chariot would only cost customers $20.00 American, had it made the cut. 

The Iron Maiden

In the instance that you find yourself feeling anti-social, consider The Iron Maiden, which is a medievil torture device fitted with a plane engine and wings. Several blades are strategically welded into the single passenger seating area which then punctures major organs upon closing of the pod doors. 

The Cruci-Flier

Or if you’re of the religious persuasion, the Cruci-Flier is a flight custom made for your sensibilities. You and two other lucky passengers are nailed to wooden crosses before being rocketed to your final destination.

The Erupting Volcano

Going to a tropical hot-spot? Why not get your sultry dream vacation started early with Airbus original: The Erupting Volcano. You will be directly in the midst of a destructive volcano, viciously erupting for the entire duration of your trip. Can’t get much more exciting than that!

Guantanamo Bay

The Guantanamo Bay Detention Center modified for air travel. If comfort isn’t a big concern, this plane is sure to cushion your wallet–just not your hind-end! Flight attendants patrol the aircraft with vicious attack dogs and take mocking photographs of your naked body smeared in feces. With The Guantanamo Bay model you can experience water boarding, extended solitary confinement and even sensory deprivation miles above the ground!  

The Dynamo Package

Because Airbus wanted make full use of the clip-art they had purchased, I present to you The Dynamo Package. The Dynamo Package was designed so that you could experience both the agony of Crucifixion, while also enduring torrents of ash and scalding lava. Truly there is no finer way to travel.

We presented the Airbus drafts to several people awaiting flights at the Portland International Airport, asking if they would consider traveling under these various conditions. The reviews were decidedly split.

Tim Mercer, an Oregon native, rarely flies, but when he does it’s cross country to see his grandparents in Daytona Beach Florida. Annoyed with the abundance of fellow passengers, Mercer noted that the Iron Maiden looked particularly comfortable, and that he would definitely consider the benefits of flying solo if given the option.

Barbra W. said, “If it can save me money, I’m all for it. The Sweet Chariot model would definitely become my primary means of travel. I wouldn’t mind enduring these grotesque violations of my human rights if I thought it’d save me a few hundred dollars in the long run.”

Cindy Leonard travels by plane weekly due to her job as a travel agent, “These designs are unacceptable, and I absolutely would not choose to fly in such a way.” Leonard told our reporter. “I fly far too often, and already suffer a multitude of indignities in the process. Being crammed in like a bunch of corpses sounds like a nightmare. What is this all about anyway, these don’t look like legitimate Airbus designs… Did you make these pictures on your laptop? You don’t look like any kind of news crew I’ve ever seen. I think I’m going to call security.”

© Jane M. Agni (2015, Oct 09)
Originally Published On National Report

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Jane Agni

Jane Agni

Jane M. Agni is a professional journalist residing in the rain-soaked city of Portland, Oregon. She is currently Editor-In-Chief of the websites, Every Woman Weekly, and Self-Worth Digest, in addition to being Senior Journalist for the infamous news satire site, National Report. Follow Jane on Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus for daily updates on new articles and more.
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