(Portland, Oregon) – The sinister efforts of privileged whites were thwarted yet again last week after black residents refused to have a Trader Joe’s installed in their PDX neighborhood.
The trendy grocery chain that is popular primarily amongst white liberal bohemian types was scheduled to begin construction in North Portland later this year.
North Portland was once known to be a predominantly black neighborhood; That is until gentrification reared it’s ugly head. In as little as 10 years, the residents have watched their territory become infested with the hipster disease with rent skyrocketing as a result.
All the character of the once gritty district has been scrubbed clean and replaced with the cliche, homogenized dreck of artsy-fartsy affluence. The presence of Trader Joe’s would have just further affirmed the dominance of these banal elements, but not if the last remaining long-time black residents have anything to say about it.
(Portland, Oregon) – Lloyd Derringer was born to a wealthy, elite family of bankers and stock investors. He spent most of his childhood and adolescent years travelling the world with his parents, experiencing a multitude of different cultural traditions. Derringer was home-schooled but when he turned 18 he decided to pursue higher academia and began applying to several of the top liberal arts colleges around the world.
It wasn’t long before he was accepted into the illustrious and world-renowned Virgeld University where he immersed himself in coursework relating primarily to women’s studies, gender and race issues. It was here that he developed a passion for advocating on the behalf of oppressed victims of bigotry and vowed to apply what he had learned in college to make a difference in the world.
(Portland, OR) – Racism. It’s everywhere. Like a vile cancer that has managed to worm it’s way into every nook and cranny of our psychological landscape. It seems to be buried deep within the very molecular fabric of our culture–A pesky stain we just can’t seem to scrub away. Just when you thought that seemingly innocent objects were uninfected, if you squint at them hard enough through your white privilege microscope, you’re sure to find racism hiding there, mocking you.
There are some of those among us who are not afraid to call out the more minuscule nuances of racism before they end up blossoming into full-blown cross-burning extravaganzas. Brave social-justice warrior Verenice Gutierrez, principle of Harvey Scott elementary school in Portland Oregon, is just one of those people.
Gutierrez has encouraged others to pick up on the “subtle language of racism” whenever possible. She has rooted all over every inch of her schools campus like a truffle hunting sow in pursuit of those elusive nuggets of racism that might go unnoticed by the naked eye. What she discovered was
alarming to say the least.
(Portland, OR) – It has been two whole days since the first traces of the frighteningly advanced Super-Clap reared its ugly head in the North West city of Portland, Oregon.
Warnings have been issued over the local television and radio stations pleading with citizens to abstain from sexual activity until scientists can devise a plan of action.
New information has been unearthed regarding the aggressive STI which abducted the city’s private-parts like a Shanghai Surprise recently. The virus appears to be a close relative to the gonorrhea HO41 bug that was found two years ago in a 31-year-old Japanese sex worker. The genesis of the virus stems from the squalid living conditions of impoverished people where health and safety are an unaffordable luxury.
The people of Portland, Oregon have somehow managed to replicate the filthy living conditions of an alleyway brothel simply by merit of their degeneracy. Perversity the likes of which would make Caligula himself to shudder in abject revulsion.
(Portland, OR) – A new STD has emerged in the free-spirited, bohemian mecca known as the City Of Roses. Surrounded by conservatives and farmland, Portland, Oregon acts as the states’ personal Australia; A prison settlement where only the most erotically venereal, politically misinformed and emotionally damaged of individuals congregate. Existing in its own stagnate microcosm of empty, alcohol-induced human sexuality, the residents have bred an entirely new form of sexually transmitted disease.
The Center For Reproductive Health And Human Resources issued the follow statement :
“What we’re seeing is a mutated conglomeration of previously recognized STI coming together to form something the medical community has never seen before… Similar to the advent of what is commonly known as ‘Super AIDs’ this new virus is born from the excessive genetic cross-breeding of previously existing STIs. It’s strongly suggested that the residents of Portland, OR attempt to uphold a modicum of chastity and dignity as we attempt to figure this thing out… The county–no–the world’s future depends on your ability to remain celibate…”
(Portland, Oregon) – A recent study has uncovered that nearly 89 percent of food stamp recipients frivol away their welfare aid on unhealthy, overpriced convenience store junk food.
The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, or SNAP for short, was originally designed to help the needy become more self-reliant in times of economic strife. However, judging by what these individuals are choosing to purchase, it is evident that the majority of those who receive benefits are criminally milking the system for all it’s worth.
The Malbeck Data Institute released the results of their study which set out to determine what types of foods were being purchased with food stamp benefits, and the results were startling for many tax payers. Only 11 percent of welfare recipients used their cards to purchase basic ingredients for healthy meals.