Darren Wilson, the officer who was acquitted in the murder of Mike Brown, has resigned from his position at the Ferguson Police Department. Since Wilson’s departure from law enforcement, the 28-year-old high school graduate has relocated to an undisclosed tropical island on the coast of Honduras. Here, the former officer of the law plans to enjoy an early retirement in the lap of luxury.
(St. Louis County, MO) – Law enforcement officials in St. Louis County, Missouri have drastically lowered the max IQ-cap for all newly hired police officers. What that means for hopeful flat-foots is a limit on how intelligent they can be before receiving a gun and badge.
County officials cite the change in policy as a way to contend with new challenges in today’s ultra-violent society. Sheriff of St. Louis County, Barry Greere gave reporters the following statement during a press conference on Wednesday:
After 9/11 (never forget) many aspects of the American way of life were effected by drastic changes. Not only did we lose hundreds of our brothers and sisters on that tragic day, we also lost a considerable amount of privacy and freedom. One area in which this is most evident is our airports and their increased scrutiny of passengers.
Long gone are the days of comfortable, hassle-free flights. Now we are forced to contend with the ugly, assumptive sneers of deviant TSA agents. They are savage, brainless thugs, given authority which far exceeds their experience, intelligence and tax bracket.
These feeble-minded, cretinous schlubs whose sub-par IQ’s and doughy physiques wouldn’t allow them to become cops, are now essentially allowed to run rampant upon travelers at their own leisure. They spend their days debasing the general public, while barely providing any relevant service for which their positions were designed.
I find it amazing that even after nonstop allegations of abuse at the hands of TSA agents, people still insist on using airlines as their primary means of long-distance travel. Each day, millions of Americans willingly subject themselves to what would be seen in a sane society as sexual assault.
(Atlanta, GA) – Bracing for the inevitable flood of rabid shoppers eager to take advantage of Black Friday deals, multiple shop owners have chosen to employ off duty officers in full riot gear equipped with electrical prods to keep the unruly masses in check.
Martin Denny, owner of Denny’s Discount Deals & More has hired four armed security guards, each of them fully prepared to use force if faced with any possible aggression. “Last year there was nearly a riot in my shop over buy-one-get-one-free economy packs of adult diapers. That’s a day I really don’t wish to revisit, so I have taken measures to assure it does not occur again.”
Sadly, the incident at Denny’s store was not an isolated event during last years Black Friday shopping frenzy. Emergency rooms filled to over capacity all over Atlanta with people who had sustained a myriad of injuries during the 24 hour free-for-all. Several elderly people as well as children were trampled to death during stampedes when stores finally opened their doors.
(McCormick, SC) – Law enforcement officials in McCormick County, South Carolina have drastically lowered the maximum IQ cap-off for all newly hired police officers. What that means for hopeful flat shoes is a limit on how intelligent they can be before receiving a gun and badge.
City officials cite the change in policy as a way to contend with new challenges in today’s ultra-violent society. Sheriff of McCormick County, Bobo Greere gave reporters the following statement at a press conference Wednesday:
“We need officers who aren’t going to second guess the orders given to them. Multiple Harvard studies have shown that individuals with higher levels of intelligence are more prone to corruption and violence towards innocent civilians. It is simply a risk we cannot afford to bring amongst our ranks. The less our officers question the experienced commands of their superiors, the safer we are all going to be as a community.”
Law makers dropped the maximum IQ requirements a whole 30 points from an average score of 90 to 60, an IQ that is only marginally higher than that of a person with down-syndrome.
(Sutton County, TX) – Hundreds of violent and predatory sex offenders are being transferred from multiple correctional facilities all over Texas to a specialized medical research facility where they will spend the rest of their lives being used as subjects in medical experimentation and testing.
In a bold move Texas congress passed a bill in early October to give researchers permission to use the most violent, predatory, repeat sex offenders as the first human subjects who will be used in more cutting edge clinical inquiries.
The facility which is located in Sutton County is being praised worldwide as bringing medical research to the next crucial level. Several researchers are clamoring to bring their talent to the practice. Having the opportunity to work with human subjects will give scientists the opportunity to develop sophisticated new treatments and surgical procedures that will eventually be saving lives.
During a recent press conference designed to inform the public about the facility and it’s goals, a handful of people expressed distaste for the program claiming it was inhumane and unethical to use humans in research against their will regardless of their crimes. Senior biologist Andre Bordeaux who will be the primary director of the program had this to say: