School Shooting Vigil, by Roquai, Public Domain
Due to the recent boom in school shootings many educational facilities across the nation have required that parents have their children implanted with RFID chips before being allowed to attend class.
“Implantation of these devices will reduce deaths in the event of serious emergencies. Not only does it allow us to locate the whereabouts of all students, but they are also able to synch up with the student’s smartphone devices so that witnesses may immediately inform other students and most importantly, the authorities.
Teachers will be able to perform lock-downs much more efficiently in order to prevent more injuries and deaths. The perpetrators of these crimes can also be located and contained more efficiently before they can cause any additional harm.”
Chippie’s New Press Release Shows Him Arm In Arm With Jesus Christ
Due to recent controversy over Chippie The RFID’s nationwide school tour, Chippie and his legal representatives held a press conference to clear the air in regards to a number of distasteful allegations that have recently been thrown at the popular RFID mascot.
Chippie is currently halfway into a tour which has seem some heated opposition in certain states. On the 11th of November, upon arriving to their scheduled appearance at Tartarus Middle School in Olympian Village, MO, Chippie and company were faced with throngs of enraged and confrontational protesters surrounding the school.
Despite the presence of such hostile resistance, everyone managed to make it into the school to carry on with the much anticipated presentation.
“I love Chippie so much! He’s my best friend in the whole world and I can’t wait to get my very own real life Chippie implanted in my hand!” Brading Harris Nine Years Old
(Big Horn, WY) – Inside a dimly lit gymnasium hundreds of parents, students and teachers are all seated and looking toward the stage in hushed anticipation. Thick velvety drapes obscure the magic that is about to take place. The magic so many in this community have pined for and are now waiting on the edge of their seats to behold.
Suddenly a jingle can be heard coming from the school’s PA. Quiet at first, the sound starts to level out and an upbeat tune commences to fill the massive room. The children’s excitement is palpable but they continue to remain silent, eyes forward, not wanting to miss a second of the show once it begins.
The theme song drops its tempo and the curtains slowly begin to open. Gasps can be heard from the audience as they bear witness to the 7 foot tall, cylindrical character standing center stage. He starts to sing in a comically high-pitched voice and that’s when absolute bedlam breaks out. Some children are jumping up and down, screaming wildly. Others clap their hands, smiling and singing along, already knowing the song that is now barely audible above the shrieks and squeals of several hundred overjoyed kids.
Chippie The RFID Coming Soon To A School Near You!
(USA) – In an effort to separate myth from truth regarding the federally mandated Obamacare RFID chip implantation program, a public awareness campaign has been launched to tour in a number of public schools across our nation.
The operation features a jovial animated mascot, a cartoon RFID chip named “Chippie”. They use the character to demonstrate to their young audience the benefits of having the RFID implanted under your skin.
After a whimsical 30 minute cartoon following Chippie during one of his many adventures, there is a puppet show where children are encouraged to ask Chippie any questions they may have relating to the RFID chip or the implantation process. Each child leaves the exhibition with a “Chippie” stuffed doll, coloring book and several informative pamphlets for their parents to read that may assuage any lingering fears to their children receiving the device.
(Winchester, KY) – In a controversial move today, Kentucky law makers slipped a bill through the senate making the installation of a tracking device or “Weapon RFID System” in firearms mandatory by state law.
The program’s preliminary launch will be in Clark County, Kentucky, specifically in the city of Winchester.
Winchester is probably best known for spawning the late Helen Thomas and their 1998 contribution to the Guinness Book Of World Records for most underage tobacco users per capita in the United States.
Nestled in the eastern portion of the blue state, the city of Winchester also is home to several academies of higher learning and is thought to be more intelligent and liberal than the rest of the state.
Kentucky itself boasts one of the highest gun ownership rates in the country.
Officials say they hope the bill will catch on so they can push to have it implemented nationwide.