Go Ask Jane: Goth Clubs After 30 – Sign Of A Loser?

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TOO-OLD-TO-BE-GOTHJane, I’m a woman in her mid-30s who still attends weekly goth nights at some of the bars in my area. Recently I’ve started to notice a much younger crowd at the clubs I frequent. More and more I find that I have absolutely nothing in common with this new generation of kids. I have a house, a career, responsibilities. I’m not the same person I was way back when. I don’t even dress in all the black clothes and fishnet anymore.

These observations have left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and I’ve begun to wonder: Am I too old to be going out to clubs? I mean, is that chapter of my life over now that I’m well into my 30s? Is there a point where you can become “too old” for the goth club?


Dearest S.M.T,

The short answer to your conundrum is a resounding: No, it’s absolutely NOT okay for a woman in her 30s to attend such an event. No respectable woman would be caught dead hanging out at a goth club with the emotionally damaged, black-clad poster-children for Prozac.

The gothic lifestyle is a perfectly acceptable phase for teens and despondent 20-somethings to experience. Getting drunk in some filthy bar while pretending you’re a faery princess named “Ishir Nightshade” when you’re knocking on 40’s door is something altogether different and disturbing.

Most adults outgrow their insecurities and psychological afflictions after entering their twenty’s. Those that continue to dwell within depression’s drowsy comfort begin expressing themselves in abstract and nonconstructive ways. Their mind becomes cloudy and they begin to mistake personal shortcomings as grand characteristics and experience scattered, delusional thinking. Thus, the adult gothic is born.

You’ve done everything in your life correctly up to this point, S.M.T. Everything except for not attending goth nights in your 30s… Thankfully, your natural instincts have finally decided to kick in and you’re seeing for yourself just how pathetic and demeaning the whole ordeal really is.

There comes a time in every women’s life when childish things must be put away. No one wants to see your flabby, out of shape, middle-aged body stuffed into a vinyl mini-dress while you stumble around in platform heels. How unbecoming. How embarrassing!

My advice is to stop cutting yourself and start cutting out those unsavory gothic characters from your social circle . You’re going to have to tackle this problem as though you were an alcoholic or habitual drug user. Sever ties with anyone who still participate in the “goth scene”. Clear out your facebook friends list, photos, likes, etc. Take down your kitsch decorations and those awful band posters. You will also want to get rid of all the clothing you’ve purchased over the years too. You won’t be needing that crap anymore.

After you have done all this, if you feel like you are about to relapse into the “gothic lifestyle”, just image what your parents would say. Would they approve? Absolutely not! They would disown you on the spot and rightfully so! Nobody wants a middle aged daughter who refuses to stop being gothic

You have a life now. A real life. Cherish and nurture that instead of chasing dreams of Nightmare Before Christmas paraphernalia and indistinguishable gender identity roles. Once you’ve cleared out every last aspect of your life as a gothic, I promise all of these feelings of insecurity will fade. Hope that helps, S.M.T, and have a great day.

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Jane Agni

Jane Agni

Jane M. Agni is a professional journalist residing in the rain-soaked city of Portland, Oregon. She is currently Editor-In-Chief of the websites, Every Woman Weekly, and Self-Worth Digest, in addition to being Senior Journalist for the infamous news satire site, National Report. Follow Jane on Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus for daily updates on new articles and more.
Jane Agni

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