I’ve been in such a state of perpetual turmoil ever since giving birth. My child, pronoun “they”, is now 3-years-old. I have been mired in a heinous state of chronic depression because “they” do not want to play with girl’s toys. It destroys me that “they” might be another white CIS male, and another future agent of the patriarchy. That’s just not the type of lifestyle I can support or agree with. “Their” father has also been deeply despondent over our child’s reluctance to conform to our stance and ideals on gender. My husband identifies as gender neutral, and whenever “Xe” (my husbands current pronoun) witnesses our child playing with toy trucks and trains, it triggers “Xer” so hard that “Xe” crumbles into a quivering pile of inconsolable PTSD jitters.
My question is, how can I persuade my child to blossom into the fabulous transgender individual that I know in my heart “they” truly are? All I’ve ever wanted was a trans child, and the fact that “they” seem so drawn to boys toys and refuse to don the lovely dresses I so painstakingly choose for “them” just crushes my soul. What can I do to make “them” understand the harm that they inflict on our family through “their” identity as a CIS-gendered white male? Please Jane, help us, it’s tearing our family apart.
Ariana, thank you for your touching letter. Truly the phrase, “a mother knows best”, has never been more appropriate than here. No one wants a white, CIS male child, and the people who pretend they do are merely deluding themselves.
But do no fret. There is still time for your child to see the light of femininity. One of the best ways to do this is to deprive them of male clothing, toys, TV programming, ect. If they never know toxic masculinity exist then it cannot tempt and/or hurt them.
I realize it can be difficult to completely block out offending influences, but that’s when you need to sit your child down and explain to them all of the ills in the world that are perpetuated by men, and why they don’t want to identify in such a way.
It’s also important for the child’s father to reinforce these ideas. It is up to “Xer” to demonstrate that femininity is the way to go in your household, and will be the only acceptable gender for them to identify as under your roof. When you interact with the child’s father, always be the dominant force, and allow your child to witness that. Even if “Xer” does not identify as a male, it’s important for your child to see that micro-displays of masculinity should be snuffed out at the root before they spread like the cancer that they are.
Let me just congratulate you on taking a proactive and progressive stance in your parenting. It is mothers like you that are helping usurp the disease of masculinity and dismantle the patriarchy at it’s very core.
© Jane M. Agni (2015, September 10)
Originally Published On Everywoman Weekly