(Portland, Oregon) – Imagine, if you will, driving home from a pleasant outing with your friends and family. You’re cruising down a city street, feeling good about the delightful dinner you’ve just shared with those closest to you. You and your loved ones are chatting it up without a care in the world. That’s when, seemingly out of nowhere, your car is surrounded by naked men on bicycles…
They begin yelling obscenities and spitting on your vehicle. One of the men lewdly gestures to his exposed genitalia. Your only avenue of escape is vehicular manslaughter, but you’re no murderer. Instead, you lock your car doors, grit your teeth, and continue driving; Hoping beyond all hope that the nude, intoxicated thugs will eventually pass you over.
As you become immersed in a growing sea of pasty white flesh and bike reflectors, you wonder if you’ve somehow stepped over into an episode of the Twilight Zone. Sadly, such is not the case. This is reality, my shell-shocked friend, and what you’ve just witnessed is Portland, Oregon’s annual event, the “World Naked Bike Ride“.
The Average Participants Of The World Naked Bike Ride Are White Males, Between The Ages Of 35 And 50
The World Naked Bike Ride, often abbreviated as “WNBR”, conceals it’s criminal nature by presenting itself as a “protest”, thereby abusing freedom of expression to legally commit indecent exposure. The organizers of the Portland event state, “The World Naked Bike Ride is an annual, worldwide bike ride that highlights the vulnerability of cyclists everywhere and decries society’s dependence on pollution-based transport. It’s also a lot of fun and it’s free for all!” and on their FAQ claim, “Since this is a protest, it’s protected by Oregon’s constitution.” A convenient excuse, sure, but if you’ve ever experienced the WNBR, you would know it is something far more sinister.
Each year, hundreds of depraved nudists set out to harass motorists and generally disrupt the flow of traffic. The average participants of the World Naked Bike Ride are white males, between the ages of 35 and 50, most of whom have criminal records. Their “pre-ride” ritual involves watching adult films and consuming large quantities of narcotic-laced ejaculate. After reaching dangerous levels of intoxication, the bicyclists descend upon the helpless berg for a night of unbridled, lawless debauchery.
Anyone Found To Be Participating In This Year’s World Naked Bike Ride Will Be Arrested On The Spot, And Charged With Felonious Indecent Exposure
In the past, the local police have looked the other way while city they’re sworn to protect is ravaged by the libertine cyclists. Mercifully, Portland authorities have grown a pair this year, and intend to put a stop to the harrowing experience known as the WNBR. Portland Police Commissioner, Dan Saltzman, has released a statement informing the residents of PDX that anyone found to be participating in this year’s World Naked Bike Ride will be arrested on the spot, and charged with felonious indecent exposure. If convicted, the criminals could face a minimum of one year in prison, and will be forced to register as a sex offender.
For several years the World Naked Bike Ride has left children traumatized, and mature, law abiding adults shaking their heads in abject disgust. Over the last three years, WNBR participants have been responsible for 1 case of animal abuse resulting in death, 2 reported instances of animals being sexually victimized, and countless other crimes, such as DUI, trespassing, and assault.
This criminal event masquerading as a demonstration is still planned for the City Of Roses on June. 7th. Individuals ignoring the illegality of the ride will begin meeting around 8pm at Normandale Park, a location notorious for homosexual trolling, and illicit drug abuse. The destination of the ride is kept closely guarded and only disclosed to participants on the night of the event. We strongly suggest avoiding downtown all together on the night of the WNBR or face the possibility of encountering members of this lawless cycling sect and the troublesome mayhem they intend to wreak.
Photo credit: World Naked Bike Ride, Attribution: By stefan from NORTHAMPTON, UK (Clothesfree@WNBR) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AWorld_naked_bike_ride_6.jpg
Jane M. Agni (2014, May 29)
Originally Published On National Report