The 84 year old founder of the notorious Westboro Baptist Church is barely clinging to life at a Midland hospice house in Topeka Kansas. The man who seemingly dedicated his entire life to tormenting homosexuals allegedly made a startling confession while at death’s door. He announced to a roomful of stunned family members that he was indeed, a homosexual.
“We were just all sitting there because grandpa said he wanted to tell us something really important”, said Genevieve Phelps. Genevieve, along with several of her aunts and uncles sat huddled around the dying old man to hear him out. “He just looked at us all and smiled and said, I’m sorry. I’m gay. Our jaws just dropped, I mean… It doesn’t make any sense. We’re all just praying that this is somehow related to his illness or the medication he’s on. He’s really delirious and half the time he’s not making any sense at all. Regardless, it was very hard to hear after he spent his entire life fighting the scourge of homosexuality in the name of the Lord our God.”
This shocking proclamation is likely to throw a permanent monkey wrench in the works of the already scandalous Kansas church. The 84-year-old preacher established the small Kansas chapel in 1955 and made it a household name by picketing funerals, public events and businesses with hateful signs attacking gay people, Jews and others who he deemed sinners.
Several estranged relatives revealed that Fred had been excommunicated from his own house of worship in August of 2013 over matters that still remain a mystery.
Now, after protesting at the funeral’s of multiple fallen soldiers, the Phelps family requested that the rest of the world grant them privacy and respect while their nefarious leader finishes his journey to meet his maker.
Several gay activists have reportedly been gleefully celebrating the impending demise of the spiteful old codger.
A man named Nathan McDaniels was spotted dancing gracefully on the lawn in front of the Phelps compound last night sporting a full length scarlet gown embroidered with the Latin phrase “debitum naturae”. When we inquired what he was doing there, he gave us a wry smile and responded “Oh, you know… Just waiting for God to flush the toilet..”
Jane M. Agni (2014, March 17)
Originally Published On National Report